..with sinus pressure!

So I've had a bit of an end of summer cold and I thought it best to stay away from work for awhile being as it’s about 30deg C in the work place and the huge array of fans would have sent that bad boy virus racing around the shop faster than a nip slip photo of Angelina Jolie would circulate the Internet!

On the second day away I rang the office and couldn't get hold of anybody so I decided it would be best to ring the boss directly on his cell.

He’s a bloody good sort my boss and we have a brilliant relationship, considering…

(story to follow… one day… maybe...).

While I was talking to him I was struck by a revelation, not quite an epiphany… no… definitely a revelation, but nevertheless engaging.

I had woken up and for whatever reason - either I had slept on one side of my head longer than the other - or the pressure on one of my sinus was greater than the other, I can’t be sure but I'm thinking probably the later, one of my eyes was lower or higher on my head than the opposing one.

I shit you not!

My head/face was all kind of lopsided…???

The first that I noticed of this enigma was that my vision was kind of blurry.

Not so unusual when you've got a cold right?

I went to the bathroom to look in the mirror.

Not a lot of joy there, my vision was so blurry I couldn't really make out my reflection.

It took me awhile but I finally managed to haul in some focus and yeah… my face was all bung!

You know what...?

It didn't bother me in the least.

So when I was talking to the boss on the phone I said to him, “dude I’m just ringing to let you know, today is a ‘no show’ for me”, he laughed and said something like “from the sound of it I’m not surprised, you sound like you've got a head full.”

I explained that my face was all cockeyed into the mix.

I guessed that most people would be horrified.

He wasn't of course because it wasn't happening to him, but… neither was I.

Then it struck me!

I said to him, “You know what mate?”

“The one upside of taking so many drugs when I was young is that when something like waking up with a cockeyed face happens because you've got a massive head cold, you find yourself staring in the mirror saying – oh well... Ive seen you looking much worse Daryl”.

“Nature did this to you and Nature will most likely put it right again”.

And that is the truth! It really is. It wasn't some green or red or purple little pills that did this so unlike those times when one eye was pointing up and one eye was looking left, this mornings little setback was nothing to get even slightly flustered about!

It’s small compensation for what I may have done to my kidneys or liver during those crazy times but heyyy… you wont find me freaking out when I wake up looking like a Scotsman has lost control of his Caber and tossed it straight into the side of my noggin.

WOOT!

Currently listening to:

Bubbles in my sinus and ringing in my ears.

....and nightmares!

I know this is going to sound a little strange but by now I should imagine your getting rather used to that...

I love a good nightmare.

As I once said to my friend Brigitte. A good nightmare is like the best fun park ride ever, without the queue's, the smell of vomit, candy floss in your hair or the struggle to find parking.

A good nightmare is value for money.

You know how it is when you wake up - panting, sweating, sheets soaked and tangled incomprehensibly around your body like some mystical yogi has come into your bedroom while you were sleeping and practiced his speed turban wrapping techniques and then blasted you with piss. You need a good few minutes to be completely sure that vagina's don't really have teeth or that you didn't fry a friends dog in your moms swimming pool that had mysteriously transformed into a gigantic deep fryer!

..Then comes the feeling of relief - it washes over you like cool waves of wind from an oscillating fan in a hot office - it's a real ride maannnnn!

Anyway, yeah I love it and some time ago I began experimenting with different foods just before going to bed in order to see if there were any foods in particular that would bring about the onset of night terrors.

It turns out that I personally got the best results from Dairy products like cheese and yogurts but high protein foods also scored reasonably well and the sure winner was anything that is extremely hard to digest. Combinations of these foods produced some spectacular results!

I have to be honest at this junction and admit that although I was meant to be experimenting with foods I had noticed that quite often when the sheets ended wrapped around you that this would somehow become a feature of the nightmare. Soooooo... one night I tied my ankles together with a bungee cord. The resultant dreams consisted of many trapped, maimed, unable to run away and drowning themes. The real nightmare was attempting to leap out of bed for a midnight toilet dash...!!!

The reason for these experiments, with the food at least, was to collaboratively put together a small book which I hoped to call "The Little Nightmare Cookbook". Basically it would become a list of recipes for other freaks like myself who enjoy a good 'mare'. And I hoped to present a series of recipes and list the potential themes one might expect from the resultant nightmares.

Weird - I know but hey, the interest at the time of poking the idea out there was surprisingly high!

Well the project has been on the back burner for quite awhile now but I now feel that the time is indeed ripe and I would like to get this project back on the move.

So please, although I have my own material what I really need is as much information from other people as possible. So if your mom or dad ever used to say to you, "you shouldn't eat blah, blah, blah before going to bed, it'll give you nightmares" please, tell me what it was that they believed you should have been avoiding.

Ask your friends, ask your parents and if you would be so kind as to forward your recipes to me at nevereverbloodyanythingever@gmail.com I would truly appreciate it and of course full credit will be given to those who's recipes appear in print.

Just in passing - my mom always said that you should never eat bread, spread with marmite or vegemite toasted with melted cheese on top before bed - to date, this concoction holds the current record for most vivid, terrifying and sustained nightmares... I highly recommend you try it - no really.

Currently listening to:

Dire Straits - Making Movies

Extreme Picnic - Compilation CD from Tanny and Mikes Wedding.